STRANGER DANGER: Ronall McDonall

Somewhere outside in the dark in the rain he stands naked.
His makeup shall not fade.
His burgers are mildly enjoyable, but his fries are so good.
Milkshakes aren't good for you.

When Ronall was a baby clown, his parents didn't know what to do. That bright red hair and white skin frightened the other children. As Ronall grew older, he became more withdrawn and insular. Researchers believe that it was in this time period that Ronall first starting his dark games. First on the neighborhood children, whose parents' grief was immediate and sharky. But it wasn't long before Ronall's cruel games turned to fun!

NOW THE DOLLAR MENU IS SMALLER! IN DAVIS, CA THERE IS NOTHING ON THE VALUE MENU!

99cents out 100

GNAR TAPES PRESENTS: $AVAGES, WWIIDOBE, FRENCH DAD

Feeling uncertain in your abilities to under mind the government? Then try your hand at an evening OF SOME GNARLY AS SHIT!!!!

sabages

wwiidoobie

french father

"gnartapes is one of our 'go-to' establishments in the new legislature"

I would come but my mommie is a lommie.

The 2009 Ford Loko

yep


...


they did it

...

they really did it




20/20
vision

New Black Jack Taco 89 Cents

Two words: mouth feel. It's a term used at my work to associate the sensation one gets from the flavor notes of coffee. I assume it crosses over to tacos as well. The New Black Jack Taco 89 Cents from Taco Bell has a mouth feel that begs the question; has Taco Bell finally done it? Have they made my pockets fat, while subsequently making me full and fat? Happy in leaving, knowing that I was full and could still buy that tall can of PBR to wash down the flavor. Can you imagine? What if I found the key to a healthy lifestyle? A few New Black Jack Tacos 89 Cents and a tall can of PBR every night? Could that be my life ratio?

The Taco Bell website describes this new flavor all-star as "a crunchy black taco shell filled with seasoned beef, zesty pepper jack sauce, shredded lettuce and a blend of three cheeses - cheddar, pepper jack and mozzarella."

Holy fuck can I talk about the pepper jack sauce?

Starfucker changed their name to Pyramid


(Halloween! Free New Black Jack Taco 89 Cents FREE at Taco Bell!)

When People don't clean the french press, or, like any dish in this house

Okay, so I love eating on dishes and not feeling responsible for cleaning them because I'm not at my house, but what am I a baby? Literally figuratively, I try to clean my dish when I remember but sometimes your ignorance is more destructive than we could possibly imagine. And who feels the effects of this tragic lapse of judgement? Everyone. Turkey. The dudes that came and passed in at our pad today and just everyone. The judge. Stilly, Why not just clean your damn dish every time. ESPECIALLY THE FRENCH PRESS!! Dude, can't you taste that?? Uhgyru. It's still a babies world I guess, especially where the weirdos dwell. We're all floating kind of stupidly in our own direction I guess, and who really got to blast the moon? Yeah. I know it's a weird thing. This shit goes by day by day by day by day by day by day by day by day.

day by day

Lady GaGa

Lady Gaga was my babysitter for the last 4 6th grades in November. Lady GaGa played basketball with some of her friends at the park who later became firefighters in eastern Europe. The fire fighters put out over 499999 dangers in the year 2003. It was good that they did that. Lady GaGa was one of the years Best Acts in the year of this one. It is very exciting to play sports with the lady. I bet that she doesn't have food stamps anymore. I doubt she'll ever renew them.

Embellish

Try the new snack that's driving kids crzy. Try the new Embellish gummy strips by Gnar Tapes & Shit-Food company. Crystal-clear perception is vital for consuming this hilarious vittle. Riddle me this, can you remember when you tasted something as supremely, stupidly studly as this form of sustainance? When's the last time. When is. When was.

The best part about the whole experience is the amazing after-effect, known as 'embellishing'

"I'm sorry I was acting such a fool last night. I've been embellishing a lot since the accident."

So when you got those incontrollable urges for munchies when you're polishing off that dinosaur egg you bought from a friend of a friend at his weird appartment, reach for Embellish.

It's the best snack you've yet to try.

ABSOLUTELY 10 OUT OF 10

Purr by Britney Smears

You are dealing with too stinky a feline. Obviously, something needs to change. But what's a mom to do? Between work and the kids and your murderous alter ego, who has time to deal with unpleasant odors that your dumb fucking cat just has to omit. DUR?!

I am way too excited to even tell you about this, but there is a solution.

Purr. Just one spray will transform your frighteningly fetid feline into a pleasantly pompous puss.

Purr, by Britney Smears.

Happy out of Killing

Dry Food

FOOD NEEDS TO HAVE MOISTURE

SAY NO TO DRY FOOD UNLESS IT'S JUST TOTALLY TASTY


j6bn out of Yogurt First

One Donut

One donut is never enough. Be honest with yourself. Whence ye have bitten, thence there forward ye shall forever want to bite. Who cares about packing on the pounds when you're packing on the flavor.

Get ready, this is the inflammatory gesture of the Summer!

3 of F

Meat Salad

Meet salad, cool, ok, just fine.

Meat salad, awesome, dumb, sick.

6/10

JFKFC

You put it in your mouth and it's just like OH MY GOD so good oh my god so yummy. Did you know that when JFK died they took a thigh from his leg? There were three friends, all of which were named Dale, and all of which had sleepy fathers that dreamed of playing the guitar. They wanted their fathers to make a band of three guitarists and that their Dale's, all of which played the drums, would hold down the rhythm section.

They dreamed of late night beer parties where friends were made and phone numbers were harvested. Thankfully, as I'm sure you are fully aware, the three boys hired a Puerto Rican prosty to take out the Presidential frosty. 45 seconds and a minute or so of Super8 later the thigh was acquired and the chicken frying secret recipe was begun.

According to urban neo-folksy fortune telling televisions, the boys are coming and they're coming soon.

"Out of 10.... I'll give it a a a a 3"
-your mom
-and your dad

Cheesy Double Beef Burritto

THIS IS FUCKING GROSS.

0 out 10

Daffy Duck Painting the Sky

Just because you came here to fuck doesn't mean you're going to get away with touching my ass like that. It's just a little weird man... OK?

Kind of fucking weird when you touch me like that. OMG!

10 out 10

2 Free Widmer Mini-Kegs

I got two of these mutha suckas for free the other night and we got toasted! Get ready for some next level shit next time you want to challenge your belief in positive cosmos!

9.5 out of 10

(-.5 because the first one was hard to open.)

π(pie)

π is sooooo yummy. Yummy yummy in my tummy!!! Times a million and one. When I eat it i'm all like woahhhhhh this is so yummy. if you ever have chance to have some dude do it. brah its like so hella tight. 

BRAND NEW FOOD POISSON POULET !!!!

LE POISSON POULET AKA FISH CHIKEN EST UN ANIMAL DOUX ET SEXUELLEMENT

TRANSMISSIBLE

A MANGER FROID , CHAUD , CUIT OU FOURRER ,

LE POISSON POULET EXITE VOS PULSIONS SEXUELLE

PLEASE HAVE A TEST

Mango

There are about twenty three reasons why I need to tell you about this amazing new dietary supplement! Pack this muthafucka up in a glass bong or even a little fake-cigarette-lookin one hitter and get your inner relaxation on! One of the rarer buds we here at Bitchpork.Com have encountered, this sticky grass sensation was an overnight hit (literally!) One of the cheif characteristics of Mango is its unmistakeable appearance; abundant bright-orange hairs poke our from every crack and a massive crystal count makes it look like it was dipped in a LOT of sugar.
It is the taste, however, of this wonderful bud that makes it so very exceptional. As soon as the smoke creeps into your mouth an immediate sensation of sweetness pulls at the roof of your mouth and works it's way down into your throat, turning spicy as the surprisingly dense smoke fills the lungs. This is where it gets tricky; trying to hold the pungent fog in your gully can be quite a feat of strength and determination. Most everyone, whether they be a well-seasoned toke-monster or a casual smoker, is left clutching their chest, coughing mightily.
Whether you want to get down on duplicating tapes or you just want to relax after all that coffee you had today, Mango will smoothly soothe your inners with a deep, mellowing calm.

100 of 10

"I smoke marijuana because I want to go to heaven before I die."

Pancakes In Space

despite overwhelming opposition, pancakes have finally reached the final frontier.
well fuck, if i wanted to see flapjacks in space i would have called David Bowie a long time ago. Don't get me wrong, i love pancakes i love everything about them. Their buttery, syrupy, doughy goodness still haunts my dreams.
But if there is one thing i hate its a stack of pancakes in a space suit standing on mars with no goddamn helmet

0 OUT OF NEVER

Hobo Toast

Hobo Toast.

Is it toast made of hobos?

(imposable joint trick)

Or rather,



hobos made of toast?



An illusive member of the breakfast chamber of commerce, it has many aliases. Beware.



Specs:

Hemi: yes.

Compadaple with 64 bit Vista: ...yes.

Tax deductible: no-sir.

Health Care: some.


Call it anxiety. Call it anything you want.

Top it with that Adams "Crunchy" peanut butter.

Soooooooo good it will make you say things like:

My nose is oozing. Is that a good sign?

...Depends on what it's oozing.

It's just mucus...

Hey. Who knows if you'll be a hobo in ten years.

Man.

Better sharpen that hobo kinfe

wangfans.



4 out of 5 (plus a little change)

Domino's $5.55 Multi Deal

Uhm, some cum comes from some dumb tum*. Then again, when Ken blends zen in ren, my pie fly's high.

Pie?

Why, a pizza pie, guy!

Not from a pizza guy.

Why?

Why, it was picked up direct, guy!

Pretty cheap. There were multitudes of condom mints to put on top of the greasy greasy pleasure. I'll give you pleasure.

Mmm; I can't feel no better.

I roll the nickles. 333 nickles, 2b exact, will purchase 3 medium, one topping pizzas. Double double dougie dumble double your deal for 666 nickles worth of pleasure.

We run the underworld, guy.

Infinite corners out of four.

*Tumtimes

32 Fl Oz Lemon-Lime Gatorade

If you are dehydrated, drinking a Gatorade is better for you than water alone. This is because the body maintains a delicate balance of alkaline and acid salts. Washing an already dry body will send your salts barreling to your bladder, only to be pissed out later while your body slowly continues its downward journey. I'm not saying that Gatorade is your best choice. It's preferable to eat some fruit or drink juice before introducing your water-barren body to H2O.

Enjoy while getting head from your friend's little sister.

She used to be so young.

5 out of 5

Steak

"The best thing about a drive home from your husband's father is that you get to meat the steak. The steak that brought you back from nowhere." - Lars Hammer

The steak becoming seemingly extinct brought the uppermost intimidation to the table. Though most people use salt most people would recommend pepper. In this economy I guess it's increasingly happier to say.

"no." - Godugly

3 out of 9

Lychee Fruit

This shit was nasty. I had no idea what the hell it was at first. Caroline and Sarah were trying to get me to eat one, but they wouldn't tell me what they were. I seriously considered that the fruit my be either A) from another world/existence B) poisonous or C) some strange pod/egg designed to proliferate a prehistoric parasite and that Caroline and Sarah were involved with some kind of cult eons old. When I peeled it I saw a milky white interior glistening, revealing grape-like meat. They told me not to eat the seed, but I did. Now I am a tree.

2 out of 10

Jack in the Box - Junior Bacon Cheeseburger

I had two today.

It made me hurt a little; it was a good hurt... once it was over I felt like I needed more.

Addiction makes you crazy - Bill Nye says that when you are an addict, your emotions can control your ability to make decisions; decisions about weather or not to buy bacon cheeseburgers.

They made it really quickly. They waited till I ordered it.

It was a bit of an experience. The words to explain it escape me presently, but my terry gary perry very verily takes the squary rarely route in toot in good time. For you? Not entirely. A little bit of every dimension wields a pleasantly present - yet maliciously delicous - blueprint (or archetype) by which the consciousness is carried.

Without the vocals, it just grinds - you know?

Grinding is good, but you need the vocals to carry the consciousness.

20 pieces out of 30 piece combo.

MISO SOUP

Miso soup is a healthy snack made for the all American man. Its liquid texture makes it possible to slurp on the go. If you need a quick pick me up, grab a taste of this Kenyan classic. Pick up a pint at your local Plaid Pantry and don't forget your Chilly Cheese Fritos for easy dipping . Salty, sweet, sour it has every taste you need in your esophagus. Just remember don't eat to much or you may have miso poop.

Turkey Stuffed Lobster

Sounds fowl...

Something Fissssshy going on?

Shell we?

We butter.

Meat butter.

3 Meat Treat

Introducing the greatest release from little caesars:
The Original round pizza. Genetically altered naturally to taste like a real pizza that was at one point round. 7 out of 8 only because the taste of the insulation in the macrophages went dry upon impact. Foam moths drip out of your mouth into a

gooey trance of totally blastyness.

Dean's French Onion Dip

Dean's French Onion Dip has 60 calories in each serving (2 Tbsp) and only 5g of fat! Seriously buy a bag of Ruffles. I usually put half a serving on each chip and usually end up eating the whole tub. It's fucked up, but kind of cool because it makes you feel really high. I looked it up on Erowid and it says that LSD is the best known and most researched drug. It also says that you need some kind of "sitter," though I'm not sure what that means. I waited until Friday and took about 4 Tbsp at like 1:30 PM exactly. I thought it wasn't working after about 2:23 PM when I still didn't feel high. But after around exactly 2:56 PM it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or like hitting a brick wall. I wasn't fuckin' trippin' dude! I was high until around 3:12 AM and I couldn't sleep, so I put on The Wall and chilled out thinking about how cool my day was.

PEACE OUT OF VIETNAM

shit -wich

The shit sandwich makes most people think of halo III. When I first encountered the shit sandwich I was on my IIIIth expedition to the smile river. The river was where I met lord springfountain. He laid all my dreams to rest when I came to his for dinner. I fell down his basement shaft and woke up in a dark bathroom chained to a toilet. I had to saw off my right foot to escape. During this period I encountered the shit sandwich.

Taco Bell

Mental Breakdown.

Taco Bell started in '87 as a project to keep kids away from cigarette. The plan backfired in '85 when Taco Bell put cigarettes in the baja blast. They decided to make Taco's and Chalupuh's friend's butter happy - but they fucked up with stale tortilla's and there was still cigarette's body in the baja blast.

Crack Cocaine in the Mild Sauce, too.

I guess you just got to take it

day by day.

The Grandito Burrito

Today I had the Grandito Burrito by Don Miguel. It was really good. I picked it up down at Bob's Market for a few bucks, not expecting much, yet here I am two hours later without an ounce of searing gas pains. Well done.

I give it 2 stars out of 10.